Friday, September 12, 2014

Life Changed

We had a good summer, we didn't get to everything I wanted but we hit the most important.  We went to Family Camp and had a great time, ate at a new pizza place, went swimming as often as possible (and I have the swimsuit lines to prove it), went to the fair, and rode the ferry simply for ice cream.  My entire plan for the summer was to soak up every possible moment with the boys and enjoy it. No tutoring, home school, appointments, or constant to-dos (except for VBS). What I didn't realize was how much my life was going to change this fall.

In my mind I had a pretty good plan for fall. Boys would all be in school, Finn for 4 hours. I would have one drop off, and if I figured out the bus (i.e. convinced Jack to ride it) only 1 pick up.  I had a gardening day, grocery shopping day, meet with friends day, and clean the house day. It was going to be my year to regroup and recharge. No kids for 4 hours a day AND the ability to be home.  But as, with most of my plans, that was a good plan but not the plan I was supposed to have.

On the last week of summer, when I was on my very much look-forward too, solo vacation I got an email:

"Do you want to teach kindergarten??"

Um, what?  Not really, I was pretty much going to have this amazing year ahead of me where I took a mental health break. I did not want to work full time, especially since Finn is only in school part-time.

But the email I sent back was,

"Can I think about it?"

I had only a few hours to decide. School would start in one week and they needed a teacher today.  As a good friend said later, "it was probably good you didn't have time to really think about it as you would have over thought the decision".  And it was true. By 5:00, I had said yes and I started work the next day at 8:30.

I won't lie, I went back to my hotel and cried. And then I cried some more. I texted my sister who recently started a new job and asked if she also cried. I called Brandon and cried. I cried in the shower, I cried laying on my bed.  And then I woke up at 4:00 AM and couldn't go back to sleep so I watched Scandal. Because really, what else was there to do?

In the end, it is a good decision. I love teaching more then I can explain. I swore I wouldn't go back to the classroom, I would never teach kindergarten, and yet here I am. Working full time, in a kindergarten classroom and when I am at work, I am so happy.  I'm happy at home too, but there is also guilt. Am I failing Finn? I was supposed to spend this year with him (at which point Brandon said, you've already had two years with just Finn, this might be good for both of you). I have dropped the ball on so many things with Jack and Micah. And yet, they are doing well. This is probably the best start to the year for either of them. For Jack seeing me at lunch everyday makes him happy. Knowing he can come find me during the day if he is sick is comforting. Micah, on the other hand, hides in the bushes if he sees me or pretends he doesn't know me. But that's okay because every now and again I get a glimpse of him with his friends or sitting in an assembly and my heart is so full of love for him.  Plus, I missed the back-to-school meeting with Micah's teacher. They had it without me and just filled me in. Everyone was happy and there was no crying, so I am calling it a win.  Finn, well, it's still rough and we are still adjusting.

When the first day of school came. I did not drive home and dance around an empty house. Instead I welcomed 16 kindergartners, 15 of them the first in their family to go to kindergarten, into my class.

This is both the happiest and the most overwhelmed I have ever been.  And I am so thankful I spent this summer taking the time to be with my boys.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

If I was Jack, I would be in heaven knowing my mom was at school too! That lucky duck! Very proud of you for jumping in. This is going to be a great year. I know it!