Tuesday, May 17, 2011

All For a $12 Outfit

Today we were "those people" in a store, the ones that you covertly or even just openly stare at, as you walk by. Or just stop what you are doing and open mouth stare. Seriously, we were "those people" today.  We were the people with the screaming baby that could be heard from one end of the store to the other. We were also the people that the employees had to talk to about cart safety. And of course, we were those people that strangers felt the need to stop and return your child to you.

Where did all of this occur? At Value Village, of all places. Really the one place I go to where I think (in a slightly snobby way) that I am a little bit better then most of the other patrons. I am there because I am saving the environment, buying used clothes, not because we couldn't buy new things, we choose not too. *ahem*

But today as we finally left the store, mass destruction left behind, red faced from embarrassment, I had to admit I was no better then the overweight old man wearing green skinny denim jeans.

It started off pretty well. Jack went to a playdate so I only had two the boys with me. We love to go to Value Village or the Goodwill because the boys always get to play with the toys when we are done shopping.  Unfortunately today I was on a mission, a clothes shopping mission. I needed to find a cool/unusual outfit for under $12 to wear to a party this weekend. No problem, I thought.  I was wrong. Most of the ugly things that caught my eye were at the top of my budget, some were even over it. I was very discouraged. I finally found some black velvet knickers (yes, knickers) that I thought would be HILARIOUS, a little black dress, a very cool strapless green cotton dress, and a denim skirt with lace overlay. Obviously, I had not fully formed the idea of what my outfit should be. I just grabbed anything I thought might work and threw it in the cart, knowing my chances of a return visit to the dressing room were slim.

For Brandon I wanted him to have a cheesy, Guido-type shirt. Kind of shiny and slime-ball all at the same time.  But it also had to match mine. Think high school Tolo.  I didn't find anything I really wanted for Brandon but I did find a stash of bad Hawaiian shirts, that would do.  By this time the boys had heard enough "we'll go to the toys next" and were not quite believing me anymore.  I went to the dressing rooms and right before I went in, an older woman went into the large dressing room and shut the door. No kids, no stroller, no wheel chair, no walker, no reason at all to be in the ONLY normal size dressing room.  I was left going into one that was only slightly wider then then a door.

As soon as I shut the door and turned to lock it, I realized I was in for a doozy of a time. The 'lock' was just a large plastic lever you pushed up or down.  Very easy for a 23 month old to reach up and undo. And of course, the door swings open very easily.  I imagined myself standing with my butt for all the store to see as the door swings open and a very sneaky toddler makes an escape.

I pushed the boys in and tried to get them to sit on the floor (disgusting I know, but at least they weren't eating gum off of it like last time) while I very quickly tried on the clothes, all while blocking any chance of escape. Micah sat down fine, Finn on the other hand, would have none of it.  As soon as the door closed he started screaming. Not crying, but full out screaming. At one point I tried to move him over and hit his head on the mirror. I swear to god it sounded like I was hitting him, and of course he screamed even louder. I knew I had 5 minutes max, but I had to try on some of these clothes. I quickly decided there was no way I was going to take off the majority of my clothes. Luckily, I was wearing a tank top and decided I could just try the dresses on over it.

The black one went on okay, but didn't zip up. That was too bad because I really liked it. Next I tried on the strapless cotton dress. By this time, Finn was crawling between my legs and out under the door, all while still screaming. I would grab him by the feet, drag him back, and continue to struggle into the dress. In an attempt to calm Finn, I had given my iPhone to Micah to watch cartoons on. He was in love, but Finn was not having it.

I finally got the dress on, adjusted it everywhere and turned to look in the mirror. Odd, but it looked like I had a uni-boob. Seriously. I tried to see if I could change it or adjust it a little to make it fit better, but it wasn't going to budge. This is about when I hit Finn's head on the mirror, total accident I swear, but those dressing rooms are not made for 3 bodies.

Finn was a hysterical mess and determined to get out. He had already succeeded in unlatching teh door and was now determined to climb under it. I went to pull off the dress only to find it stuck. Seriously stuck. I couldn't get it to go over my top half, so I decided to try to push it off. No luck, still stuck. Finn sensed a weakness in the line of defense and was finally able to break free.

Finn realizes the grass is not greener on the other side and begins to scream even harder. I am wrestling with this ridiculous dress, and Micah is watching Mickey Mouse at a volume of 11.  I finally manage to jerk the dress over my head, throw my shirt on, and open the door to Finn. As soon as I do, he stops crying. He wants to come back in and sit with Micah now.  I can't stomach the thought of trying on more clothes, but the ones so far that I have tried on, are not working out so well.

On our next attempt at trying on clothes, a store employee said we could go into the big one with the cart and all. That was a much better experience and I was able to find a shirt that would work. Still needed a skirt, but I was at least 1/4 of the way there!  While finding a coordinating outfit for Brandon, Finn ran away and was brought back by a very tall, older gentleman, who I kept seeing wandering the store.  Micah was told by an employee to not climb out of the cart because the cart could tip over. I actually had to tell her that has happened to us. By this time, I just threw a skirt into the cart and called my outfit done.

On the way to check out, I let the boys pick out a prize. They had done pretty well, all things considered, and they really wanted these water gun things. As I waited in line, Micah decides he needs a different color, goes back to put his away and when he turns around knocks over an entire display shelf. It was a huge mess, one that was obviously caused by us as Micah started crying and running toward me. By now, I was red, sweating, and feeling like I should be asked to leave. What else could we possibly do to this store?

When at last we were rung up the cashier smiled and said, "Have a Nice Day!".  I felt like I needed to apologize, leave a tip, do something, but I just mumbled "You, too" and quickly rushed the boys outside.

On the way home, we stopped at a park to enjoy the sun, have a few moments of fun, and try to regain some semblance of control. As I was leaning into the van to unbuckle Finn, the sprinklers right behind me turned on. Before I could jump out of the way, my entire backside was sprayed (at close range) by the sprinklers.  So here I am at a fairly crowded park with a soaking wet butt.  Karma, maybe?


Mandy said...

oh my word, Amy! I was rolling from your post! You are such a good writer & so funny! And to think, this was basically all Matt's fault- that you even had to find a $12 outfit to begin with! I admire your determination, though!!! So sorry!

Michelle said...

Wowzer! I mean totally Wowzer. That is so funny and awful and I loved it! But so very glad it didn't happen to me. =)