Letting Go

This is the first time in 10 years that I am not in a classroom when fall began. I knew in June that I would probably not have a job this year, but I still held onto hope.  When school started and I had not heard anything, I felt my hope start to disappear. But I still clung on. I kept my computer and my school bag packed. I checked my work email daily, just in case, and was thrilled each time I could still log on.  But then October came, and with it, no job.

When the phone rang last week and it was the school district, I was giddy. In my mind, I quickly started re-arranging my week, thinking of childcare, ready to take whatever job they were offering.  Then I listened to the message.  They were not offering me a job, in fact they had finally put into affect my full time leave, but that message did not make it to payroll in time. They accidentally paid me for September and would like their money back, please.  Ugh.  The next week, the district called again.  Call me foolish, but once again my heart leaped, maybe this was a job! No, this time they wanted their computer back.  Oh yeah, I forgot, I still had the computer in my bag. Oops.

This week I drove across the bridge to return my computer. I had made that drive daily for 4 1/2 years, then part time for a year, and then just one day a week. As I drove, I thought of all the drives before; carpooling with Brandon, listening to John in the morning, driving and talking to 'the nubbin' who was to become Jack, driving with Jack to drop him off at childcare, crossing the bridge with a flat tire that I didn't know I had.  I have made this drive countless times and for 9 years to the exact same destination. My school.

I miss my job, I miss my seeing my friends, I miss the feeling when it all comes together and you know you did a good job, I miss the kids.  I miss having something that is just for me.  Somewhere I can step away from being a mom and a wife, just for a moment, and be a teacher.

I miss my job.