Life Changed

We had a good summer, we didn't get to everything I wanted but we hit the most important.  We went to Family Camp and had a great time, ate at a new pizza place, went swimming as often as possible (and I have the swimsuit lines to prove it), went to the fair, and rode the ferry simply for ice cream.  My entire plan for the summer was to soak up every possible moment with the boys and enjoy it. No tutoring, home school, appointments, or constant to-dos (except for VBS). What I didn't realize was how much my life was going to change this fall.

In my mind I had a pretty good plan for fall. Boys would all be in school, Finn for 4 hours. I would have one drop off, and if I figured out the bus (i.e. convinced Jack to ride it) only 1 pick up.  I had a gardening day, grocery shopping day, meet with friends day, and clean the house day. It was going to be my year to regroup and recharge. No kids for 4 hours a day AND the ability to be home.  But as, with most of my plans, that was a good plan but not the plan I was supposed to have.

On the last week of summer, when I was on my very much look-forward too, solo vacation I got an email:

"Do you want to teach kindergarten??"

Um, what?  Not really, I was pretty much going to have this amazing year ahead of me where I took a mental health break. I did not want to work full time, especially since Finn is only in school part-time.

But the email I sent back was,

"Can I think about it?"

I had only a few hours to decide. School would start in one week and they needed a teacher today.  As a good friend said later, "it was probably good you didn't have time to really think about it as you would have over thought the decision".  And it was true. By 5:00, I had said yes and I started work the next day at 8:30.

I won't lie, I went back to my hotel and cried. And then I cried some more. I texted my sister who recently started a new job and asked if she also cried. I called Brandon and cried. I cried in the shower, I cried laying on my bed.  And then I woke up at 4:00 AM and couldn't go back to sleep so I watched Scandal. Because really, what else was there to do?

In the end, it is a good decision. I love teaching more then I can explain. I swore I wouldn't go back to the classroom, I would never teach kindergarten, and yet here I am. Working full time, in a kindergarten classroom and when I am at work, I am so happy.  I'm happy at home too, but there is also guilt. Am I failing Finn? I was supposed to spend this year with him (at which point Brandon said, you've already had two years with just Finn, this might be good for both of you). I have dropped the ball on so many things with Jack and Micah. And yet, they are doing well. This is probably the best start to the year for either of them. For Jack seeing me at lunch everyday makes him happy. Knowing he can come find me during the day if he is sick is comforting. Micah, on the other hand, hides in the bushes if he sees me or pretends he doesn't know me. But that's okay because every now and again I get a glimpse of him with his friends or sitting in an assembly and my heart is so full of love for him.  Plus, I missed the back-to-school meeting with Micah's teacher. They had it without me and just filled me in. Everyone was happy and there was no crying, so I am calling it a win.  Finn, well, it's still rough and we are still adjusting.

When the first day of school came. I did not drive home and dance around an empty house. Instead I welcomed 16 kindergartners, 15 of them the first in their family to go to kindergarten, into my class.

This is both the happiest and the most overwhelmed I have ever been.  And I am so thankful I spent this summer taking the time to be with my boys.

Why We Moved

There are many things I like about our new house and location but there are some things that still make me sad. I miss walking to get coffee, and walking to the park. I miss being close to our church and my friends. I miss my kitchen.

But then today I am reminded of why we moved. Even before breakfast I had three boys begging to go for a bike ride. They willingly got dressed, put on shoes and helmets all before I found my coffee.  And then they were off.

We live at the end of a dead end road with very few cars.  The boys love it. They ride up and down the road, having races, playing games, and of course trying to not have another bike accident.

All the while I sat there, drinking my coffee and eating breakfast.  It was a perfect way to start the day.

How to Train for a 5K

Just to clarify I don't really know how to train for a 5K. I read a few websites that gave tips, but they seemed kind of intense so I just made up my own plan. It pretty much consisted of running around the block until I got tired and calling it done. In my mind I was quite the runner. I would go run a predetermined route and return out of breath, exhausted and sore, within 20 minutes.

Then I decided to try the app: Map My Run. Um, so I was not quite the amazing runner I had thought I was.  In fact, between walking to warm up and cool down, I was only running a mile. I had to run 2 more miles to be ready for the 5K. This was not good news considering I was only a couple of weeks away from the run.

I even went for a run on my birthday present day of rest. I found that to be particularly admirable.  I never quite made the full 3 miles in my training runs. I did hear that when training for a marathon you never run the entire distance before the race. You just get close and then hope that the adrenaline will carry you the rest of the way. I'm going to go with that theory. I also felt that running with the dogs was like a handicap. So, if I only ran 2 miles with the dogs that would be like running 10 miles without them. Or something like that.

The day of the big 'race' arrived. It technically wasn't a race, but saying fun run loses some of my street cred. My boys were very encouraging and gave me such tips as: "never give up", "do your best" and "encourage others". Okay, I think they may have just had some motivational speaker at school, but still it felt good.  Although they really wanted me to win. I kept telling them that just crossing the finishing line was going to be winning to me.

To not keep you in suspense any longer. I did cross the finish line, and I did run the entire way. I give all credit to my friend who ran with me. I told her it was up to her to get me to keep running. At first she tried to keep my mind off the fact that my legs were killing me and we had only hit the 1K mark by asking me all sorts of questions. I finally panted, "Your (gasp) turn (gasp) talk (GASP)".  And she did. Luckily she had some great stories from work to share and that got me at least another 1K. Then I only kept running because I was too embarrassed to stop and walk. But oh dear, I have never seen anything that made me happier then finally seeing the finish line.

Next year a 10K? Maybe. I'll decide after I can move my legs without screaming in agony.

Reality Check

Kids, if nothing else, will at least always let you know exactly how you are doing. Also, how you look.    This week I was again told how the boys love my 'food baby' and don't want me to lose it. I won't be so soft and squishy without that nice layer of fat.  Except for Finn, he is waiting for the 'food baby' to be born. We may need some serious counseling later in life.

As I previously said, I love where we live.  But that does not mean that everything is blissful.  Moving is stressful, extremely stressful. Living with boxes, is not something I do well. I want everything unpacked and put away NOW.  

Yesterday, after picking the boys up from school, we stopped by the Goodwill. While, I did a terrible job of purging before moving, I am working very hard to get rid of those seldom used items I keep unpacking.  When I told the boys where we were going, Jack immediately asked if I was getting rid of his things. I tried to explain that it was mostly my stuff. But I mentioned books. To which Micah became upset that I was getting rid of his books. 

In, my most patient loving voice, I said, "No, they are my books. Like a  parenting book for moms that  I have had for 3 years but never read."

And then Jack said, "Maybe you should read it, it might be good"

For You - I heard in my head.

And yes, reading a parenting book right about now would be probably be good for me. As with most things, you know what you should do, you know what best practices tell you to do, but when your reserves are low it isn't always what you do. Basically all those words simply say one thing: more reactive parenting then proactive parenting is happening right now. And for me, that is not the parenting I like.

Did I remove the book from the goodwill bag? Um, no. I still believe it wasn't a very good book. But I did dig up all the half read parenting books I have and put them on a prominent shelf. To remind myself  to take a breath, to be the parent I want to be, to respond with patience. So far, I'm 50-50.

Oh, and to finish reading them.

Loving Life

I write that title with a little hesitancy. I do not want to imply everything is sunshine and roses; there are still fights to referee, too much yelling on my part, not enough TV watching for me, and not enough time devoted to Brandon, BUT I am still very much loving my life.

We have been in our new house 1 week. Seems crazy that last Saturday we were waking up for the first time in this unexpected home. First time in beds, I should say, we had a few campouts a couple of times to try to get some projects done before moving in.  Compared to our last move, this one was amazing.  I joke that having movers saved our marriage, but it's not really a joke. And moving into a house with a kitchen and a fully functional bathroom was a luxury.  The worst thing we have to do is paint.  And unpack.  And do that with 3 kids and 2 dogs.

This week Finn did not have school, so I felt I was living a little bit of a dream life. I drove the two older boys to school, and then came home for the next 6 hours. No errands, no pick up times, no playdates. I did not see or talk to anyone, except Finn for two days, and I loved it.  Finn, myself, and the dogs went on a bike ride/walk each day. As we walked I watched the ferry come and go, sailboats doing whatever sailboats do, and even saw an eagle perched on top of a stag.  That makes me kind of laugh.  It was a time that Finn and I had that we both enjoyed, and I think the dogs liked it too. Each day I counted my blessings for this new home and the community in which we live. And, I shamelessly admitted, that I like suburbia.  Except for the composting issue, I currently have bags of food scraps in my freezer while I wait for the correct yard waste bin to be delivered. And yes, I realize that is disgusting, but I couldn't bear to throw all that food in the garbage! So, maybe, don't come over for a while. Just until I get the food waste all sorted out.

Other then that, and no doors on our bedrooms or bathrooms, which to an intensely private person like myself, is a horror of its own, life is good.

Moving Day

The view on our daily walk

My little walking buddy

Last picture of my boys on the front steps of our old house.  Some tears were shed. Mostly by me.

My Monday

How Finn spent his Monday:

 

How I spent my Monday:

All in order to move my parents into their new Hobbit House.

Miss Viola Swamp

Today was my 2nd day doing a job I swore I would never do: substitute teaching. When I was teaching, I would always look at the substitutes in the lunch room and shudder.  The thought of walking into an unknown class and try to keep order for 6 hours filled me with horror.  That and everyday would be a "First Day of Work" and I do not do first days well. But with the boys in private school and my completely taken for granted one-day-a-week job long over, I needed to find a way to make a little cash.

At first I was going to apply to be a sub in two local school districts. But the job applications were too long.  Instead, I took the easy way out and just became a sub at the boys' school. Pro is that I get to take the boys with me to work. Con is that I get to take the boys with me to work.

The first day I subbed was pretty much a disaster.  I won't go into the details, but I did not come out the winner in that battle. Even with a triple tall mocha, the boys still got a movie when we got home so I could sit on the couch and try to regroup.

Last night, I was called to come in today and teach in a first grade class. I said, okay, worked out childcare, picked out a work outfit, and tried to go to bed early.  Then I had THE dream. The reason why I never wanted to sub. I never sleep well the night before the first day of school, the first day back after vacation, or even just after a long weekend.  So, to have a new first day each day I go to work, means a crazy dream leading up to each work day.

I went to bed thinking of teaching first grade, those cute little kids, the stories I would tell, the finger plays and rhymes I could use, etc. But when I woke up I was remembering the classroom I just left. In my dream, when I showed up for work I was no longer teaching first grade. On this particular day, the teacher I was subbing for would always teach a different grade. This time, it was adult learners.  Think your typical community college class. Okay, not so bad. Except, that like most horrible dreams, I wasn't fully dressed. Not naked (thank god) but wearing a skirt and instead of a shirt, a towel. A slightly wet towel, wrapped around my torso and tucked in.  And, as with most towel-sarongs, this one did not stay up. So, I have arrived at work, to a class full of adult learners at a very conservative school, wearing just a towel that I have to continually refasten.  The worst part was that I did not forget to put on my shirt, I had decided to try a new fashion statement.  The towel was my idea of what was fashionable to wear, because I am always so on top of the latest fashion statement!  Once I realized that I was just wearing a towel and that truly is not acceptable work attire, I tried to just straighten my shoulders and pretend I was actually wearing a shirt.  Except I wasn't, and the towel didn't really stay where it should.

Luckily, my alarm went off and it was time to get up.  I am pleased to report that I managed to wear a complete outfit to work, shirt and all, and I had a pretty decent day. There were moments today when I remembered how much I love teaching.  The best part, by far, was hearing a knock on the classroom door and opening it to find my first grade son, delivering a 'special' message to me. And getting an extra squeeze from my other son as he ran to recess.

And that is why I am subbing. Crazy dreams, out of control classes, boundary pushing students, and all.  I get to see my boys while I work, and get a glimpse into their school lives. And I make a little bit of money, enough to pay for my haircuts and, obviously, shirts.

21 Minutes

21 minutes is all I have left in my weekend of solitude. In 21 minutes, I should have all my belongings out the door and stored in my car. In 21 minutes I will be on my way to the grocery store and back to life as I know it.  As I sit here, in my lovely red velvet chair, I am not mourning the end of this weekend quite as much as I did last year. This time, I am ready to re-enter my life, to see my boys, kiss my husband, and see what life is like at home with 2 dogs. And yes, I said TWO dogs.  Knowing that a weekend of solitude can be a yearly ritual has left me with a sense of peace. Instead of holding on to each minute and wishing time would slow down, I relished the time I had, knowing it was a brief respite. And, knowing that it can happen again. 

Before I left on Friday I mentioned to a friend that I wasn't feeling that overwhelming need to leave that I did last year. That maybe I shouldn't even be going.  To which my friend replied, "but isn't that good that you are not in that same place. Why wait until you are desperate for space before you go?".  That sums up what this weekend was for me. Not quite the OHMYGODIHAVETOGO that it was last year, but more of a gift that I could look forward to and simply enjoy.

Enjoy it I did.  One full day with no schedule, no one to talk to, no one needing anything from me, a guilt-free nap, and all the reading or watching TV I wanted.  It was absolutely perfect.  I am already planning my stay for next year.

 A ridiculously hot shower at 11:00 in the morning.  Complete perfection. 

 Using my birthday gift card and store credit to get $140 dollars worth of clothes for $5. 

Attempting to replace my too small cowboy boots. Loved the store, but sad to say, no boots in my size. 

 The hill that left me panting and sweaty. Also could be trying to text, drink a hot mocha, and carry a bag of clothes while walking up this hill.

 Until next year, my red velvet friend. 

Seeking Solitude

And I am back. Once again I am at a local B&B enjoying a weekend to myself. I prepared a little better this time and brought 3 books, 2 DVDs, a bottle of wine and something sweet to eat.

 Oh, and some lovelies so I won't get lonely. As I was walking out the door Finn said to me, "but you won't have anyone to snuggle with." That is kind of the point my dear boy. I love our morning snuggles, but this morning found myself in bed with 2 boys, one who was soaking wet, climbing on top of me, taking my covers, and asking when we can watch TV. I am excited to wake up by myself tomorrow. Go on a walk by myself. Drink coffee by myself. 

And yes, I was mortified carrying these animals inside with me. I wanted to explain they were not mine, but thought that would make me seem even more crazy.

Aahh, bliss. 

The Poor Third Child

I realized today as I was downloading pictures from the camera of things to sell on craigslist, that I still had Finn's first day of preschool on the camera! Uh-oh.  It was such a big deal for the older boys to go to school; school supplies to buy, new clothes to purchase, orientation, and then finally THE FIRST DAY.  All of which I took pictures of, and posted to Facebook and this blog. But not Finn.  I meant to write a post about his first day, but life sort of got in the way.  So here they are, three weeks late, but here nonetheless.

The obligatory front porch photo shoot.

Um, yes, I am not really sure what to say here. Finn wanted to take pictures of me, and so this is what I did. Don't judge.

Quick stop for coffee on the way to school.

Mmmmm.... Limonata

Finally, Finn is in the big kid room. He was so excited I didn't even get a hug or a kiss goodbye.

Finally, time to head back. Okay, really the time flew by, and I was a little stunned that it was after 11, already!

And just for fun. All of my boys on their first day of preschool.

Love them.

Waiting

Today I had an appointment at 1:00 to get the car serviced. And to check that pesky tire that keeps going flat. Since Brandon told me yesterday, don't worry you have AAA; I decided it was time to fix the tire instead of keeping our fingers crossed that I won't get a flat while out and about.

When I checked in for the appointment the service man asked if I would like a rental car.  I didn't even know that was possible. No thanks, I replied. He looked at me for a second and then asked if I planned to wait for the full 2 hours.  As I nodded, he pointed to the client lounge and told me to help myself to books, magazines, and free Wi-Fi.

Perfect.

So here I sit with my iced mocha, Adele on Pandora, my laptop open and no kids. It is almost like a mini-vacation.  Mr. Service Man, I realize that turning down a car to sit in your lobby for 2 hours seems C-R-A-Z-Y, but you have no idea what I left at home.

This is the best part of my day.

My Day

I thought I would take pictures throughout the day and have a little "Day in Pictures" kind of post, but I kept forgetting.  Instead of awesome Hipstamatic photos, you just get words. Sorry.

8:15 - Children's Autism Clinic for an initial evaluation
10:00 - Children's Hospital for Jack's second (and final) blood draw

Jack's prize for finishing his 2nd blood draw

2:00 - Playdate with new mom's from the boys' new school

Micah surveying the awesomeness that was this house

4:45 - Swim lessons where Finn opts to not go in the water for the second day
6:00 - Dinner date with hubby
8:00 - Jack White concert
11:50 - Finally home, exhausted and ready for bed

I can't wait for tomorrow, with no plans except a low key playdate at our house and swim lessons.  Oh, and take dinner to a family I don't really know.  But I did introduce myself to them on Sunday so they won't be totally confused as to why a stranger is showing up on their doorstep handing them food.

How was your day?

And We're Back

The kids are running wild, only one car is unpacked, Finn is in underwear,  and I have an extra kid coming in 2 hours to babysit (who we love!), no time to write in detail about the adventures of our week. Instead here is a breakdown of our camping trip in numbers.

Number of:

Nights sleeping in a tent: 6

Kids who woke up crying: 3

Hot dogs eaten: 12

Dinners eaten out: 1

Starbucks lattes consumed: 4

Via coffee packets used: 12

Times I nearly cried: 1

Naps I took: 2

Times I lost a kid: 3

Showers I took: 2

Near drowning experiences: 1

Times I ran out of propane while cooking: 1

Loads of laundry to do: 10

SOS Texts to friends: 1

Friends the boys made: 5

New bike riders in the family: 2

Times the boys said, "Can we please stay another night?!": 100

Weather Forecast

Yesterday was a perfect summer day, sunny and warm, but not too hot. It was the kind of day made for sitting by a pool, watching the boys go crazy. Unfortunately, yesterday was my "try-tackle-the-hideous-mess-my-house-has-become" day, and I did not take the boys to a local wading pool.  As they were ramping up for some serious out of control behavior, I realized my Tuesday was wide open. I had plans that were cancelled, so I was looking at a whole day with no obligations.  Perfect, I thought, I will take the boys swimming!

Finn saying "No Thanks" to getting wet

I spent the afternoon researching various wading pools in our area, the boys suggested maybe even going to swim at a local beach, or maybe even a combination of both. Taking a break from my research, I checked Facebook, only to see a friend post a picture of a new splash-park just north of us. The caption on the picture was: "Our new favorite place!". The place looked amazing, the girl looked like she was having a blast, and I knew that was where I wanted to go.

This morning I got up, walked Elsie, packed a picnic feast, packed a bag of swim clothes, towels and sunscreen; and was out of the house by 10:30. I even called a few friends to see if anyone could join us. I figured since Finn is touch and go on the naps, I would just skip it today and plan to spend the whole day (or as long as I could take it) at the park.

What I didn't account for was the weather. Even thought yesterday's forecast showed sun, today was gray and overcast. Not to worry, I told myself, the clouds would burn off. As I was leaving I checked once again, and saw that thunder showers were now being predicted. What? What happened to sunny and 70, baby?  But still I pushed on, I still felt that today was going to turn into one of those glorious sunny afternoons that make you wish you were at a park somewhere, under a big shady tree, watching your kids play in the water.

Trying the water again

Instead, we sat outside for over 3 hours because I was sure the moment I left it would become sunny. We watched the park empty until just a few families remained. We ate our lunch, played on the playground, and even tried getting wet a few times.  At first, only Jack was brave enough to actually stay in the water playing. Micah only lasted a few minutes, and Finn wisely choose to keep his clothes on.

We sat through overcast skies that never quite burned off, we sat through some small rain showers, we sat through the ice cream truck coming three times, we sat until we ate all the food and my phone battery died.  Then we called it a day and packed it up.

We never did have a warm sunny day, but the boys still had fun. As we were leaving (carrying our garbage home to compost, FYI) Finn said this was the best day ever.  As with so many things, it wasn't what I planned or was thinking it would be, but the boys had fun and that is all that matters. In a season of life where I constantly feel like I am failing them, it was nice to take the time to do something just for them.