For The First Time

The chorus to one of my (current) favorite songs:

For the first time

Sounds like hallelujah for the first time

For the first time

Sounds like hallelujah for the first time

Tonight I am doing something for the first time and I can't help but sing (and even dance) to this chorus. Just the chorus because it is the only part of the song I know.  For the first time, I am on a mini-vacation BY MYSELF. All by myself. No spouse, no friends, no sisters, no mom, and no kids.  It has taken me a year but I finally did it, for the first time.

A year ago I was doing okay, definitely better then the previous fall when I had a 3 month old, a 2 1/2 year old and a 4 1/2 year old. But I was still struggling. Part of my struggle was my absolute need for solitude and the certainty that that was not possible in my current stage of life. In my mind I hold the days before kids as this kind of "glory days", where the sun was always shinning, the birds were always singing, and I was content and happy. The truth was I very much wanted kids and longed for the day when Brandon would finally give in.  But looking back, the summers that I spent at home, alone, all day: reading, working in the garden, walking, even cleaning, were this idyllic time.  My teaching schedule and Brandon's work schedule meant that I had vast amounts of time by myself.  

Not until recently did I realize how much I not only missed that alone time, but that I needed it to in order to survive.  Maybe some of you will roll your eyes at this, or as in the case of my Mother-In-Law, be completely aghast at the thought of wanting and needing to be alone. But that is me.

A year ago, I wasn't quite ready to go away. I had some fears, both rational and irrational, about traveling by myself. I also felt selfish in taking the time away from my family, spending money on a hotel for just me, asking Brandon to work all week and then watch the kids all weekend. Instead, I just went away for the day. I started at my favorite consignment stores in Seattle before moving to my other favorite place, Langley. I loved my day away but more I loved how excited I was to return home.  As I have said to Brandon before, "I want to miss you".  Some of you may get that, others may not. 

So this year, for the first time, I am on my own. I am not far from home, but it feels like worlds away. I have too many books to read, ideas to write about, and sleep to catch up on, then can be done in 2 days, but that is okay. I have no time restrictions, except breakfast is only served until 9:30, and no one to answer to.

As I sat down to write this, I quickly checked all my favorite blog sites.  This one seemed to be written specifically to me.  Aah, a place of my own, where I could go more then just once a year? 

For the first time

I'm singing hallelujah for the first time