Brandon has slowly begun to come along with us on our trips. Seaside, is no longer a sister's weekend, more like a Sister-Wives weekend. I did ask Brandon to come when Finn was born because I did not feel that I could keep all 3 boys safe at the ocean for the weekend. Considering I lost Jack one year, that was probably a very wise parenting decision. Family Camp is now truly "family camp" as Brandon joins us for the weekend (that is another blog post). There are no trips that I now take with just the boys, and part of me is sad for that. Slight tangent: being a mom of 3 boys, I feel a strong need to do things with just the boys and myself. Camping in the woods with just mom? I think that is a pretty cool adventure and a memory the boys will always have with them.
So, when Brandon told me he wanted to take the boys camping, my first reaction was: no way. Selfishly, I didn't want hm to have his own special trip when I didn't get to have one. Also, I have a terrible fear of being home alone. Immature, probably, but still as soon it is dark, I am locked in the bathroom crying. I blame it on the movie, Are You In the House Alone? Don't watch a scary movie with older boy cousins around. They will scare the bejezus out of you and forever cause you to be in therapy.
I handled the weekend away as I handle most things that scare me. I pretend it's not happening. Even up to the minute they were leaving, I was cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming. Packing, nope. Food shopping, not my job. I had no idea what clothes they were taking, what they were going to eat, or how Brandon planned to handle the weekend. Even avoiding the issue, 4:00 still came, and the boys all climbed into the car.
And that is when I started to cry. I tried to not cry in front of the boys, but it took Brandon a heck of time to finally get in the car to leave. By that time Jack said, "Mom, you have tears in your eyes." and then "Mom, I do too". I give them the best smile I could, made a funny joke about having to take care of the dogs, and went inside. And cried some more.
Because now I know why Brandon hates it. I did enjoy having time to myself at home, but I missed the boys so much. I hated going to bed alone at night and having no one there to keep me warm. (Not to be mistaken with how much I love my weekend away, that is something I still love). But being home, without my family, was sad.
When I stopped crying, I went upstairs to get the coffee Brandon had made for me, and saw this:
And then I smiled.
Full Disclosure: I did not stay home alone, because I am that much of a wuss, my 16 year old niece stayed with me to keep me safe.